TRIXIE...looks back...

Darlings, friends, family, and the deadbeats who still owe me money,

I'd like to take this time to look back on 2008, and share with you some tidbits from my semi-glorious year.

Although I suffered big time in the recent crash of the market, I am determined to grit my newly capped molars, and smile my way through this gloomy and doomy time. I am a person of strong character, who has suffered her share of disaster, and yet can still crawl out of bed every new day and face diversity.

Actually, part of my strength comes from my newly diversified face. Yes, I shall come out of the closet and admit it..." I've had work done". You couldn't tell, could you?

Last year this time, I took a look at my pitiful Christmas bonus and decided to hit the pavement in search of a new career. Well, it's not easy for a lady of a certain age to get herself hired. I'm talented, have amazing people skills, and look good under fluorescent lights. However, in this youth obsessed culture we live in, all they want is baby fat!

Finally, I got hired as a receptionist at a chic little designer hotel for dogs and cats, The Fire-hydrant Plaza Hotel & Grooming Salon, Madison Avenue and Sixty Third. My co-workers were nice enough, but the customers were nothing but studs and bitches. Have you ever tried to reason with a French Poodle wearing Chanel # 5 and a diamond encrusted choke collar? ( the poodle, not me)

Anyway, I tucked my tail between my legs, and went back to my old job. Sadly, I don't think my boss even knew I'd been away.

However, we did have a pleasant enough office Christmas party yesterday. I had way too much eggnog and made goo-goo eyes at the UPS driver. She didn't seem to mind.

I guess it's time to turn the lights out and head home to my little fake tree, and worthless but reliable husband, Tumble Willis, Jr., and celebrate the Holiday as only we know how.

MEANWHILE, my boss, Kenny-the-Scrooge, did this doodle of film composer, ALEXANDRE DESPLAT for today's WSJ.

Your favorite fruitcake wishing you a HAPPY HOLIDAY, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE falls off the fence...

Dolls !

Is it me, or is the world going to hell in a handbasket?

I mean ,really, there is actually a question on whether gays and lesbians should have the right to get married? What kind of question is that? Don't be stupid, my darlings, letting the gays get married will only mess it up for all the rest of us.
If this were allowed,can you imagine trying to book a caterer or reserve a church during the month of June?

I don't know about you, but I'm already overwhelmed with giving gifts to all of my useless relatives. I can't afford to buy wedding presents for all of my gay friends, ( and you know how picky and snooty those homos can be? It's gotta be designer this and designer that!)

If you ask me, it's all a Communist plot. All of the really gorgeous men are gay, and if we let them marry each other, well, who will be left for our daughters?

And don't get me started on letting gays in the military. As the good book says,
"Lead them NOT into temptation".

Speaking of the good book, my boss, Kenny, ( who wouldn't know a good book if it fell off the shelf), did two doodles in the WSJ last week. One is of the jazz musician, DON BYRON, and then one of NANCY PELOSI.

Your favorite positive influence, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE...aglow...

Dearest Dear Ones,

Halloweenie is over, the Election is done, and as I search through my makeup case for the turkey baster, I gaze out the window and see my neighbor, Toots Rodriguez, putting up her outrageous Christmas decorations.

We have a strict set of regulations for exterior ornamentation of one’s private abode here at the Black Lagoon Trailer Park and Miniature Golf Course, and Toots has broken all of them.

I am, naturally, a woman of taste and refinement. You would never see me setting up a manger next to a Pamela Anderson blow up doll, dressed as “Mrs. Santa”, or substituting the three wise men with figurines of Larry, Moe, and Curly.

Of course I shouldn’t complain about all of the tacky light fixtures she places around her holiday display. The glow is so strong that I never need to turn on a light till after ground hog day.

Speaking of glowing, my simple minded boss, Kenny, did a doodle of Obama and McCain for last weeks WSJ.

Your favorite piece of tinsel, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE endorses...

MY FELLOW AMERICANS !

Who are these "undecided" voters? I am never undecided about anything, and have very little patience with those who are. In fact, I've already decided what I will order for dinner next Thursday...meatloaf.

Be that as it may, I have decided to announce my endorsement for President, just in case any of you are of the hopelessly pathetic "undecided".

I,Trixie LaFarge, age 39, lot B-12, The Black Lagoon Trailer Park & Miniature Golf Course, Pig's Foot, New Jersey, hereby endorse JOHN PATRICK MCCAINE for President of the United States.

What can I say? He reminds me of my Dad. He is old, hateful, and will leave your mama for a younger thing at the drop of a hat. Sure, that's rough, but it builds character. McCaine will watch out for America the way he watched out for his first wife. If America has an accident and get's a bit overweight, He will dump us and hitch up to a younger, prettier, and richer nation.
We would all benefit.

Obama is way too smart for me. How can I relate to him? He's too impressive, and that scares me. Bush never impressed me. I felt very comfortable with George W. I like a President I can relate to. ( and vice versa!)

If mcCaine croaks, and Sarah Lee Palin takes the throne, well, once again I'll feel safe and comfy.

Now, let's not let politics cause a rift in our relationship. I'll still love you, even if you're a socialist/commie/liberal, it just won't be easy.

Meanwhile, my pinko/stinko boss, Kenny, did a drawing of actress, ELISABETH MOSS, for the WSJ.

Remember, vote early and often !

Trixie

TRIXIE...smokin' !!!

Dear Ones,

This is my favorite time of the year, except when I start to sniff the scent of burning leaves, which reminds me of how much I miss smoking.

Yeah, I quit my three pack a day habit, because I ran out of places I could actually light up without being harassed, booed, tormented, or mugged.

Smoking was fun, it was cool, and it gave me something to do with my expressive hands.
It felt so chic and sexy to place a filter-tip between my lips and have some suave gentleman or ruddy faced sailor whip out a lighter and share his flame.

I began smoking in the third grade, which explains where I spent all my lunch money. I smoked during all seven of my pregnancies. I even smoked during the deliveries, and all of my kids turned out o.k. I think.

Our little trailer was always filled with laughter, music, and smoke. Tumble Willis, Jr., my husband, never knew the color of the livingroom walls. He assumed they were smoky dingy, if such a color exist.

Of course my love of the ciggy is nothin' compared to my best gal pal, FiFi Krampschlitz.
FiFi loved smoking so much that she named all of her kids after her favorite brands. Yeah, there was WINSTON, KOOLS, MARLBORO, CHESTERFIELD, and her little girl, VIRGINIA SLIM.

I've been told that FiFi plans to come to my annual Halloween Tupperwear Party this year as a car muffler. Anything for a smoke.

Speaking of fumes, my less than scentillating boss, Kenny, did a doodle of BARACK OBAMA, for the WSJ. I know for a fact that Obama is a closet smoker.

Your favorite ash kisser, I remain,

TRIXIE

TRIXIE...hear me roar !

My Public,

Some of you probably heard that I made my New York cabaret debut this past Friday night, it went off without a hitch, and nobody was hurt or arrested.

Last year, in an attempt to break into Show Business, I was all set to make my debut, when the New York Board of Health shut down the club one hour before I was set to perform. I was devastated, but was encouraged by the fact that I was one of the few entertainers to ever be shut down for health code violations instead of bad press.

Anyway, I did two well received songs, some personal patter, and not one piece of fruit was tossed in my direction.

Several people who witnessed my debut have already begun inquires as to my next appearance. Am I a hit? I dunno, but I want to thank all of the people who trekked over to see me, and with the help of a few stiff drinks, sat up facing the stage and paid attention to my efforts.

MEANWHILE, my sober boss, Kenny, ( who claimed to be way out of town last Friday night), did two drawings in the WSJ. PAUL NEWMAN, the late and great actor, and MARY MC FADDEN, the eccentric fashion designer.

Your favorite curtain call girl, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE for VP

Mooseaters!

The news media has got my goat. Those brie eatin', chablis drinkin' snobs can't seem to grasp the appeal of a frontier woman like my new hero, SARAH PALIN.

I am so impressed with her, and not suprisingly, we have so many things in common.

She is married to a slacker named Todd, and I'm hitched to a bum named Tumble.

She gave her children unusual names like, "Track", "Stump", "Bristol", and "Easy", and I named my kids after my favorite movies, "Casablanca", "Ben Hur", and "Shaft".

She was a beauty queen. I, of course was "Miss Pig's Foot", " Miss Self Cleaning Oven", and
"Miss Jiffy Lube".

She attended six colleges before she graduated. I dated guys from about sixty colleges and trade schools, but I'm not sure if any of them actually graduated.

She is an avid hunter, and can dress a moose in the wild. Well, I'm a bit gun shy, but I was once in love with a boy named "Moose", and was once forced to quickly get dressed in the wild.

She began her political career in the P.T.A., which led to the job of mayor of her tiny town.
I caused a commotion during a P.T.A. meeting when I suggested a wet T-shirt contest to help raise funds for education. I also ran for constable of my gated community, The Black Lagoon Trailer Park. My motto: " Nobody wants this job, so, give TRIXIE a try". However, even though I ran unopposed, I lost.

She is dealing with a knocked-up teenage daughter.
Well, I've been down that road so many times I'd call it a thruway.

Yes, the small town and small minded women of this country have finally found someone we can look up to and respect. Just you wait!!!

And while you're waiting, take a look at Kenny's latest effort. This is his cut paper version of the head of The Port Authority of New York/New Jersey, CHRIS WARD.

Your favorite political junkie, I remain,

TRIXIE

TRIXIE goes for the gold.

Friends ,

I am so exhausted from the Olympics . Yes, I am an athletic supporter, but the remote broke on our TV, which meant I had to get up and down to adjust the volume for my old worn out husband,
Tumble Willis, Jr.

Since we don't actually have our cable box hooked up legally, the reception can be iffy at times.

Poor Tumble, his vision is so off, anytime he saw someone dive in the pool he thought it was his first cousin, Droofus. Come to think of it, Droofus and Michael Phelps do resemble.

I wonder if the Olympics Committee would ever consider my home town, Pigs Foot, New Jersey, for their next big event? They could use the Pigs Foot High football field, plenty of free parking at the Piggly Wiggly grocery, and I bet the No-Tell Motel would be willing to put clean water in their pool.

Oh, boy, if that were to happen, property values would go up, and we could move outa this dump!

Kenny, my gold medal employer, did a drawing of the late ISAAC HAYES and SENATOR JOE BIDEN, which ran recently in WSJ.

Till we meet again, I remain,

Trixie

Trixie: MAY I BE BLUNT?

Oh, hello !

I've been so busy trying to find Summer jobs for my hateful grand kids, that I hadn't noticed the mail piling up. Seems that several of you have been writing for my worldly advice, and I do apologize for the delay.

Meanwhile, I found jobs for those lazy bums, and you'd think they'd be grateful, and you would be wrong.

Dear Trixie,

How do you get rid of those awful dark bags under the eyes?

Thanks,

Rhonda Raccoon
Dinah Shores, Michigan

Dearest Rhonda,

A lot of people place thinly sliced cold cucumber slices on top of and around the eye area. This is good, but I take it further and dump an entire Cobb Salad on my face. It removes those ugly bags, prevents snoring, and you never wake up hungry.

Dear Trixie,

Is it ever wise to lie to children?

Nat Leopold
Swampview,South Carolina

Dear Nat,

I've never stopped lying to my kids, with, I might add, mixed results.
My daughter, Casablanca, still believes in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and that babies are delivered by the Stork. She has five kids of her own, so, perhaps it's time to tell her the truth.

Dear Trixie,

Where can I go to find true love? I am a forty seven year old female, with skinny legs, no hips, dry skin, questionable gums, frizzy hair, tone deafness, and a fondness for Madrigal hymns.

Loretta Nutsoyung
Stoney End, New Mexico

Dear Loretta,

There was postage due on your letter, so, you failed to mention that you are also a deadbeat.

If I were you, ( and THANK THE STARS I'M NOT!), I would apply to the Peace Corps, a tanker ship, or a job at a Federal Prison.

****** MEANWHILE, my boss, Kenny, did two new drawings...Alexander Solzhenitsyn for today's WSJ, and MARIO LOPEZ for....Mario Lopez.

Your favorite girl-of-the-month, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE has a TWIN...

Darlings !

Can you believe this HEAT ? I've resorted to filling the tub with ice cubes and zest of orange peel and soaking for hours. Not only is it amazingly refreshing, but afterwards I smell just like a creamsicle.

MEANWHILE,they say that everyone has a twin somewhere in the world. Well, I've seen my twin, and her name is CINDI MC CAIN. Yes, the same Cindi McCain that you know as the younger wife of Senator McCain.

I look just like her. Well, that is I would look like her if I had six hundred million dollars and owned a big beer distributing company. Take away the immaculately coiffed and dyed hair, the perfect makeup, the designer wardrobe, and that look in her eyes that says, " I'll be so damn happy when this election is over so I can go back to shopping", and you've got me.

She married an older man with dreams, I married a slightly older man with nightmares.
Her husband was a prisoner in Viet Nam during the war. My husband was in and out of several prisons during the war, but he never left New Jersey.

Beer and booze have played an important part of Cindi's life. Same here.

She once rang up a seven hundred thousand dollar credit card bill for one month. Well, I'm capable of such a thing, but all of my cards are currently maxed out.

She says little, and always has a pleasant, yet slightly glazed look in her eyes. Yep, me too.
WE ARE TWINS !!

And speaking of GLAZED, my boss, Kenny, did drawings of the late baseball player/sports announcer, BOBBY MURCER, and actor ROBERT MORSE, featured on television in "Mad Men", and the inventor of the Morse Code.

Your favorite snowcone, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE...where have I been???

Darlings,

I hope you didn't miss me much. I had to take a vacation and get away from Kenny and all of his madness.

This year I called my friends at The Twilight Zone Travel and Bail Bond Agency and booked a tour of America's Favorite Federal Penitentiaries. We traveled via "deluxe" motor coach, which turned out to be a refitted yellow school bus, complete with individual folding lawn chairs, personal flashlights, and a camouflage patterned curtain to enclose your private area.

There was no "powder room" to speak of, but the driver was usually willing to pull over to the side of the road. Sometimes we even stopped at twenty four hour truck stops.

My fellow travelers consisted of prisoner’s wives, girlfriends, mothers, and boyfriends. Their enthusiasm and gaiety helped to make the time fly by.( although I could’ve lived without the constant sound of babies crying)

This trip made me feel grateful for my children and assorted husbands, lovers, and one night stands. Yeah, I thought I had it bad till I heard some of their tales of woe.

The highlight was a chance for me to purchase refrigerator magnets from every prison we visited. I am now the proud owner of a miniature electric chair, noose, leg irons, and bar of soap.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Kenny did a drawing of the late, great, TIM RUSSERT, which ran in the WSJ.

Your favorite prison matron, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE is HOT !!!!

Yikes !

It's hot, darlings.

Your Trixie is straddlin' the old rusty air conditioner, waving a Japanese fan in one hand, and flopping her tongue inside a tall glass of ice tea.

Kenny suggested a wet T-shirt contest to keep us cool, but I don't want to frighten the UPS driver.

Last night a violent thunderstorm hit the trailer park. The winds were so strong that when I awoke to let the dog out, the front door was facing the highway, instead of the parking lot. Fortunately, none of my dishes or knick-knacks was broken.

When I looked down at my feet, there sat the soggy remains of "The Pig's Foot Gazette", our local rag. My good eye spotted a headline that sent a cold shiver up my spine, “Local Girl Pens New Bestseller” and the "local girl" wasn't me.

Portencia “Pinky” Moscowitz, former cheerleader, graduate of Jimmy Hoffa High School, and The Garden State School of Beauty, has written her shocking new semi-autobiographical book, “DOWNWIND FROM HELL”, to be published by Leopold & Loeb this summer. It has been reported that Warner Bros. put in a decent bid for the motion picture rights, with plans to star Angeline Jolie as Pinky’s mouth.

WELL, if that isn’t enough to make my blood boil! However, I will do the right thing and wish that *#$%@ all the best.

Meanwhile, my not-so-cool boss, Kenny, did a drawing of former Bush press secretary, SCOTT MCCLELLAN and Tony nominated Broadway actor, MARK RYLANCE for The Wall Street Journal.

Your favorite cucumber, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE...tried and true

Angels,

The price of everything is going up and up. So,I look around and try to decide what it is I can cut out in order to save a few pennies.

My late husband, Sal Scallopini, made sure that I was well provided for, but I am still cautious and careful. Who am I to be wasteful and set a bad example for those less fortunate?

I cut back on trips to the beauty parlor, from four times a week to three and a half. I only use my cellphone when I'm away from the house. I only drive the Caddy in the city. I drink directly from the bottle to save on straws. I recycle my old hair nets to steam clams. When taking a shower, I only sing up tempo showtunes, which speeds up the process quite a bit.

Yes, when gas is four dollars a gallon, and they just raised postage by a penny, well, you must force yourself to be frugal.

And, speaking of frugal, my boss, old tight wad Kenny did a doodle of the man behind Bloomingdale's, MARVIN TRAUB,for today's WSJ.

Saving my gas, I remain,

Trixie

****PLUS, Kenny did a drawing of Taiwans new President, MaYing-jeou, and just for me, he's letting me show you his Elvis!

TRIXIE is a MOTHER

My Darlings,

I know you find it hard to fathom that I am a mother. In fact, so many people look at my rather large daughter, Casablanca, then they look at me and go, " It's just not possible!"

Nonetheless, she is my child, ( oh, the pain...), and I love her. Thankfully, she looks more like her worthless father, Tumble Willis, Jr., so I don't get all the blame.

Yes, here it is again, the day to remind me of my reckless ways, MOTHER'S DAY. Yikes !

Last year, Casa and I shared an intimate Mother's Day brunch at The International House of Pancakes. She wiped her lips with the embossed paper napkin and spoke, " I didn't get you no gift, but I made up a poom."

"Oh, darling," I smiled, " How sweet, but I think you mean a poem."

" Whatever", she snarled, as she took a grease stained piece of paper from her pocket...

M, is for your cruel MOUTH. You're always criticizing me. Yes, you are...

O, is for all of the OTHER mothers out there. They might be nicer than you, and prettier than you, but they ain't you...

T, Nobody has a TEMPER like yours. I remember the time you screamed at me for wanting to go steady with Dudley Stillwater. You called him a wimp and a sissy. Well, Dudley loved me, and I loved him. He was the only boy I ever dated who showed interest in me, and not just my body. In fact, he never showed any interest in my body.Today, he lives in his own townhouse, which he shares with his pal, Kyle. And to think, all of that could've been mine...

H, is for HAPPINESS, a feeling I felt whenever you were asleep or unconscious...

E, is for the ENVY I felt seeing how the rest of the world was living outside of our trailer park.

R, is for the REGRET I will always have for not running away and joining the circus, but what did I know about elephants?

Put them all together, and it spells, MOTHER, or, a reasonable facsimile.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY from your hateful daughter,

Casablanca

***** MEANWHILE, my boss, Kenny, did a drawing of author, SIMON WINCHESTER, and a smiling, BARACK OBAMA, which ran in this past weeks WSJ.

Love Ya,

Trixie

TRIXIE...where seldom is heard an encouraging word...

Sweet-peas,

I am faced with a family crisis. My daughter Casablanca's twin girls, Chandelier and Candelabra, are determined to audition for "American Idle".

Yes, I am their granny, and you'd think they'd have some of my gifts, but those two don't have enough talent to fill a flea's navel.

How do you tell your own flesh and blood that they suck? I'm not a mean person, but I don't want those two tone deaf, knocked kneed, pock marked, pigeon toed lovelies to suffer the humiliation of layin' an egg in front of billions of people.

It's just not like it was when I started out in Show Biz. In those days, if you could walk and fit into the costumes, you got the job. Today everyone is so versatile. I think it has something to do with global warming and the use of steroids.

Meanwhile, speaking of pigeon toes, my taskmaster, Kenny-the-hateful, did a doodle of the curator at the Whitney Museum, DONNA DE SALVO, and the late CHARLTON HESTON, ( who once placed his hand on my chest and whispered, " You'll have to remove this from my cold dead hands." And I replied..." works for me, Moses!")

Your favorite granny with the great gams, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE Welcomes SPRING...

Angels,

Once again, I failed to win the Easter Bonnet Contest on 5th Avenue. Disaster struck when my bonnet, done up to depict Moses leading his people across the Red Sea, tipped slightly to the side, and the damn water spilled over and drenched a troupe of Girl Scouts dressed as mint chocolate thins.

I am, however, thrilled that Spring has arrived, and I can air out my trailer. I feel refreshed, I feel vibrant, I feel like having my toenails painted chartreuse.

Spring is when a young man's fancy starts to lean towards a young woman. Oh, would that my useless husband, Tumble Willis Jr. could even find his fancy.

Speaking of useless, my boss, Kenny, did a color doodle of the star of the new Broadway revival of "South Pacific", KELLI O'HARA, ( not to be confused with Scarlett O'Hara or Neely O'Hara), and legendary jazz pianist, MARIAN MCPARTLAND.

Your favorite blossom, I remain,

Trixie

Five dollar make you holler...

Concerned Citizens!

I am in amazement over ex-Govenor Spritzer's current situation.

I called my old galfriend, Voluptuanna Muldoon, ( the founder of Voluptuanna's School of Escorting & Shorthand), to inquire what a person should expect for five thousand dollars an hour.

" None of my graduates ever got that kinda bread." She said to me over her speakerphone.
" I would assume that besides the hanky panky, for that amount a "john", oh, excuse me, a
"client" would expect to have his teeth polished, a razor cut, his suit pressed, and detail work on his car."

I dunno, I am just amazed at the price of things these days. However, I suppose I should be grateful that my current husband, Tumble Willis,Jr. is completely faithful to me, even though he doesn't always remember my name.

If you asked me, I'd say that the only solution for all of this sexual scandal going in our government is to elect only homely women and eunichs.

Speaking of scandals, my boss, Kenny, did a doodle of the culprit, ELIOT SPITZER, which ran on today's editorial page of WSJ.

Your favorite faithful wife, mother, and secretary, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE wants a recount...

Dear fellow ultra conservative Republicans,

( no, I'm NOT asking for money)

I am so depressed. I volunteered, I made phone calls, I attended rallies, I gave money, and yet my candidate, Mike Huckabee, dropped out. Now, I have all of this energy, drive, and determination, and no place to put it.

McCain does nothing for me. He's old, slow, short, and his much younger second wife looks like she might have spent some time as a pole dancer, ( even though there is certainly NOTHING wrong with artistic dancing). Come to think of it, most of the Republican candidate's second wives look like former pole dancers. I'm surprised I was never married to any of them dudes.

Give me a break with the whiny Demos trying to sell us with the idea of the first woman or black President. Perhaps I should suggest that my party consider nominating Condi Rice, which would put us Republicans way ahead, with a BLACK, FEMALE, LESBIAN President! Uh, huh!!!!

MEANWHILE, my pinko boss, Kenny, did recent doodles of WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY and PETE HAMILL, for the WSJ.

Your favorite pole dancing Republican assistant, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE fails to win MegaBucks...again !!!!

I don't know why I even bother buying lottery tickets. The gracious gods of good fortune have already blessed me with flawless skin, radiant hair, sparkling teeth, and a body to cause sailors to weep. Why should I expect more than my share of luck?

BECAUSE I'M GREEDY AND NEEDY...that's why!

So, I see on the news a story about this middle aged couple from some dinky town in Georgia that won the entire $270 Million, ( it's always in some dinky town, never in the metropolis where I hang).

I nearly had a fit when the hillbilly wife with too few teeth exclaimed, "Well, we is blessed, and we is happy, but it ain't gonna change us none, cause we is just plain folk. I myself is just too country."

Yeah, well, she could start by buying some new teeth, and a few lessons in speaking proper English couldn't hurt.

Oh, just let me win some of that loot. I'll get on the news and tell it like it is:

" Oh, baby, I feel like two hundred and seventy million dollars, and this *%#&@ money is gonna change my life...BIG TIME! I plan to change my name, my phone number, and move as far away from my loser friends and family as I possibly can!"

Well, I can dream, can't I ?

* two new doodles from Kenny's pen: BENNY GOODMAN & KIM JONG II

Trixie...when she stood near an oven...