Friday, December 28, 2007
Hope you had a fine Holiday , (whatever your persuasion), and that you are all geared up for the New Year.
In consideration of all of my new friends and fans, (and you know who you are), I have decided to write one of those annoying year end reviews.
Now, try to read this with an open heart, and don’t begrudge me my exciting and glamorous life.
JANUARY: After an amazing New Year’s Eve party, the last thing I remember is being carried out of an apartment building on Park Avenue by a red headed fireman. The remainder of the month is a complete blank.
FEBRUARY: More firemen enter my life, as my gas heater explodes, and I’m forced to keep warm by baking cookies all day. Finally, I decide to take drastic measures and use my frequent bus rider miles and go visit Auntie Toosh in Boca. The weather is pleasant, but Auntie is old, hateful, and forgetful. However, her trailer is near the ocean, and she recently bought a new flat screen tv.
MARCH: It’s not easy hitching a ride on I-95, especially after dark, but I manage to get a ride with a gentleman trucker. He was hauling illegal aliens from South Florida, on up to Maine , so, he was able to drop me off at my front door in Pig’s Foot, New Jersey .
I helped make the ride more pleasant by singing show tunes, which prompted the gentleman trucker to drive faster and faster.
APRIL: I force myself to do twenty minutes worth of spring cleaning, get depressed, hide the vacuum, and then go and have my hair done.
While at the beauty parlor, I chance upon a contest in one of those trashy gossip magazines, where the first place prize was a complete make-over. I rip out the page and stuff it in my bra.
MAY: I’m soaking in the tub, when the phone rings. Dripping wet, I learn that I have won SECOND PRIZE, which turns out to be a partial make-over. I stare at the mirror and try to decide which half I should have made over. It’s moments like these that separate the girls from the men.
JUNE: The Guiding Light Beauty & Refrigeration Academy is located in a strip mall in Hohokus , New Jersey . My half day of beauty began with an introduction to the sweet but anxious student body. It is here that I learn the majority of the students and faculty are ex cons.
Soon, I began to relax, as the students remind me of my own offspring, (none of whom could master a spit curl, or be trusted around sharp objects).
JULY: It is the hottest time of the year in Pig’s Foot, and my makeup is melting. The air conditioner is on the fritz and my standing naked in front of the open refrigerator causes the parakeet to hang upside down and squawk obscenities.
AUGUST: A dreaded month, as most of the psychiatrist disappear, and a hoard of my loopy relatives descend upon me en masse. I try to be a gracious hostess, but, as usual, I end up waving a knife and threaten to add button holes to their bare chests.
SEPTEMBER: Ever since the demise of “The Miss America Pageant”, I find September to be a totally meaningless month. My daughter, Casablanca, still holds onto the dream of someday winning a beauty contest. If we can locate a pageant for “Miss Steak”,” Miss Construed”, or “ Miss Understood”, I think she might have a chance.
OCTOBER: The State of New Jersey has notified the residents of The Black Lagoon Trailer Park that they plan to take eminent domain of our homes to build a new super highway. Since The Black Lagoon was built atop an old asbestos plant, most of us consider this latest development a good thing. Ah, but where will I go to find the October colors and smells that made our homes so sweet and inviting?
NOVEMBER: As the designated driver for the entire town of Pig’s Foot, I am forced to learn how to drive a big yellow school bus. I have mastered the gears and the wide turns, but the parallel parking still eludes me.
DECEMBER: Well, another year has come and gone. I am toying with a visit to the State Penitentiary to visit one of my ex’s. I think I’ll wear my little fake Chanel. It’s red, with an artificial white rabbit collar and trim. Those bad boys are so hungry for glad tidings and a glimpse of good fashion.
HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Jingle Bells !
Did you miss me? I was husband hunting on the open sea. At the last minute I secured a delicious discount on one of those all inclusive cruise lines. The name of the ship was the S.S. Food Trough. I don't mean to sound snobbish, but the passenger list was not heavy with blue bloods. It was just heavy.
However,I think I found MISTER RIGHT. His name is Morris Goldfinger, and he's very rich and very old.
We met in the all-you-can-eat buffet line, when I offered to steady his tray while he fondled my fondue. Sweet little man, but a bit out-of-it. He kept calling me, "nurse!"
He wants me to come down to Boca and keep his ticker ticking this Winter. Should I make the old cocker happy, or should I play "hard-to-get"? Whatdayathink ?
Your favorite tinsel tart, I remain,
Recent Wall Street Journal drawings:
Emlyn Koster...the head of The Liberty Science Center, Jersey City, New Jersey
Jacques Barzun...famed writer and prof at Columbia University...just turned 100 !
Vinzenz Brinkmann...head of German museum...specialty is ancient statues from Greece & Rome.
* what does Joan Rivers have in common with all three of these men?
A. She had several of her face lifts at the Liberty Science Center, and her old face is on permanent display.
B. She also recently turned 100.
C. She is often mistaken for an ancient Greek statue.