Thursday, May 8, 2008


My Darlings,

I know you find it hard to fathom that I am a mother. In fact, so many people look at my rather large daughter, Casablanca, then they look at me and go, " It's just not possible!"

Nonetheless, she is my child, ( oh, the pain...), and I love her. Thankfully, she looks more like her worthless father, Tumble Willis, Jr., so I don't get all the blame.

Yes, here it is again, the day to remind me of my reckless ways, MOTHER'S DAY. Yikes !

Last year, Casa and I shared an intimate Mother's Day brunch at The International House of Pancakes. She wiped her lips with the embossed paper napkin and spoke, " I didn't get you no gift, but I made up a poom."

"Oh, darling," I smiled, " How sweet, but I think you mean a poem."

" Whatever", she snarled, as she took a grease stained piece of paper from her pocket...

M, is for your cruel MOUTH. You're always criticizing me. Yes, you are...

O, is for all of the OTHER mothers out there. They might be nicer than you, and prettier than you, but they ain't you...

T, Nobody has a TEMPER like yours. I remember the time you screamed at me for wanting to go steady with Dudley Stillwater. You called him a wimp and a sissy. Well, Dudley loved me, and I loved him. He was the only boy I ever dated who showed interest in me, and not just my body. In fact, he never showed any interest in my body.Today, he lives in his own townhouse, which he shares with his pal, Kyle. And to think, all of that could've been mine...

H, is for HAPPINESS, a feeling I felt whenever you were asleep or unconscious...

E, is for the ENVY I felt seeing how the rest of the world was living outside of our trailer park.

R, is for the REGRET I will always have for not running away and joining the circus, but what did I know about elephants?

Put them all together, and it spells, MOTHER, or, a reasonable facsimile.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY from your hateful daughter,


***** MEANWHILE, my boss, Kenny, did a drawing of author, SIMON WINCHESTER, and a smiling, BARACK OBAMA, which ran in this past weeks WSJ.

Love Ya,


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