TRIXIE...trust me...

Dearest UNinsured,

Yes, it's true, I have been approached by several disreputable publishers, and a BOOK is in the works. So, here is a sample of my "creative writing"...just keep it to yourself, as I'd like to sell a few books...you know...

You can trust TRIXIE when she says…

Never invite more than one left handed person to a sit down dinner, or just invite left handed people, as you don’t want to risk injuring your guests.



Remove all artificial fruit and fake candy from any room used during a party or meal.

Do not charge your guests for checking their coats, although any loose change found in pockets is yours to bank.

When guests seem determined to stay beyond a reasonable hour, bring in your old flatulent dog or elderly relative and encourage a game of charades.

When you find yourself perplexed by the multiple choices of eating utensils at a chic dining event, simply lower your eyes and glance from side to side, or stare straight ahead. Chances are in your favor that some fool at the table will know what they’re doing.

If you discover that there might not be enough food to feed your guests, go up to a selected few and whisper, “Is it me, or have you put on a few?”

If a fistfight breaks out after your guests have adjourned to the living room, encourage everyone to gather round, sing old school songs, and take bets.

If a guest at your table falls face forward into their soup, act calm and pretend that nothing is wrong, unless this behavior continues with the mashed potatoes and the chocolate mousse`.

Never grab hold of a serving dish and announce, “Is anyone going to eat this last piece of stuffed cabbage?” Just scrape it onto your plate and enjoy.

Table conversation should always be light and lively, as well as the background music. Discourage any talk of politics, religion, or medical procedures. Gossip, candlelight, and cool jazz are winning combinations.

If a guest arrives with uninvited children, serve them in the basement, or, weather permitting, in the garage.

When discovering that a guest has left most of the food on their plate, do not offer them a doggie bag or say, “So, you didn’t care for my cookin’, eh?”
Now...
while I was writing, my boss, Kenny, was drooling over the desk making doodles of ERROLL GARNER & IRVING KRISTOL for the WSJ, and a drawing of Patricia Arquette, Ugly Betty, the handsome actor from "Southland", BEN MC KENZIE, and ELIZA DUSHKA from "Dollhouse".

Your favorite stuffed cabbage, I remain,
TRIXIE

doodles...Frank Sinatra,Jr. & Yukio Hatoyama

SENATOR TED KENNEDY

TRIXIE is a co-payer...

Fellow pill poppers,

Are you as confused and bored by all the Health Care reform talk as I? Sick ! Sick ! Sick!, and getting sicker by the minute. All you need to do is take a trip to the nearest mall and glance around. Fat, ugly, and out-of-shape grotesqueries waddling around eating corndogs and taking up space.

So, Obama wants to spend my taxes on keeping all of these skanky whales from keeling over? Puh-leeze, if these stretch marked heifers want to consume all of the deep fried major food groups, then let them pay the consequences on their own dime.

And, in case you care, I am very happy with my insurance plan, The United Black & Blue Cross of New Jersey. They hardly ever pay for any procedures, but the calendar I get every Christmas is so useful.
Also, they keep costs low by using non English speaking operators from third world countries to handle all inquiries.

My advice; eat a radish, do a push-up, and don’t get sick…period!

And speaking of getting sick, my boss, Kenny, did some recent doodles of President Obama, the late President of South Korea, Kim Dae Jung, and Robert Novak, for the WSJ.

Your favorite MRI, I remain,
TRIXIE

***** BY-THE-WAY, if you were thinking of having Kenny do a caricature drawing of someone you love and adore for a Christmas/Holiday gift, please book EARLY, as he is old,slow, and lazy…and that’s on a GOOD day.
The fee is five hundred dollars a figure, ( oy! Vey!...you could buy them a used refrigerator). NO NUDES, as it’s too difficult to draw while laughing.

TRIXIE...wants it bad...

Beauties!

It’s been said that your life can drastically change in seconds, and it’s true. Last week I was invited by a neighbor to attend a meeting for Voluptuanna Beauty Products, and before my fanny hit the couch, I became a new person.

A bleached blonde, wearing far too much eyeliner, and a peach colored pants suit, got up and began chatting away in a thick middle European accent about how much money we could make selling overpriced makeup to bored housewives.

Her name was Mitzi Maddoffski, and she smelled of money, and a very fruity perfume that made me sneeze. Her manner was a combination of Zsa Zsa Gabor and Dick Cheney.

She did a powerpoint presentation with intriguing images of her many luxurious homes, cars, as well as photos of herself with the rich and famous.

There were no photos of Mister Maddoffski. I just assumed he and the kids were out on the yacht the day the pictures were taken.

Anyway, I wanted what she had, and I wanted it bad, so, I signed up.

Now, I know that some, if not most of you could use a little paint and grease to help you look and feel your best, so, I am enclosing a short list of some of the products I am selling. Just check the items you want, send me your CC #, and I will get them to you ASAP, ( shipping NOT included…are you serious?)

Voluptuanna Beauty Soap On A Rope…in apple, lemon, and new car scent.
a great gift idea for a special loved one serving time.

Neptune’s Nectar Nipple Balm…a delicate cream, made from clam shell dust, fish scales, and whale saliva to help prevent the chaffing and pain from over starched blouses and rowdy infants.

Perma Brow…comes with a stencil and easy to hold brush to assure an expressive eyebrow that will never fade, even if you do.

Lesbo Lip Glow…a new idea in unisex beauty, when applied to the lips of women, men, or in between, promises that moist and natural look to the mouth as Mother Nature intended, if only she had any imagination.

Get A Grip…deodorant , anti-perspirant, & oven cleaner. A product designed for the active, forgetful, and careless woman of today. You never need to worry about people turning up their noses in your direction. Get A Grip lasts and lasts….and lasts….

Winky Dinky…a new aerodynamic artificial eyelash for the modern woman, designed to lift the eyelid, as well as the face, when everything else about you is dragging the floor. Now, when you wink, people all around will feel a soft breeze.

So, while you’re filling out your order forms, take a moment to glance at my boss, Kenny’s current doodle of MENDELSSOHN, MEYERBEER, & WAGNER in today’s WSJ.

Your favorite beauty spot, I remain,

TRIXIE

TRIXIE...tried & true

Survivors!

Even though the stock market hit an up bump yesterday, I'm still struggling with my own sluggish economy. Trying to economize and still retain some semblance of a quality lifestyle is indeed a challenge for this good time girl.

Last week I bought an old GirlScout uniform at a flea market. So, with a few buttons moved, and some creative stitching I was able to get it on. Now, on my lunch break, I head over to 42nd Street and take cookie orders from gullible tourist.

O.k., I pocket the cash and those suckers will never see my cookies. They're all way too fat anyway. I'm doing them a favor. So, now they can go back to wherever they came from and say, " I was ripped off in NYC by a sweet Girl Scout with a plunging neckline!"

Speaking of sluggish, my boss, Kenny, has hit a new low by turning our office bathroom into a PAY TOILET ! Good thing my desk is next to a window.

MEANWHILE, I suppose you'd like to see some of his latest doodles: ALAN CARLIN, the energy guy, ROBERT MCNAMARA, FRANK MC COURT, and PRES. OBAMA as ARISTOTLE.

So, if any of you want some Chocolate Thin Mints, you know how to reach me.

Your favorite flavor, I remain,

TRIXIE

TRIXIE...way down under...

Leechie Nuts!

I have returned from my thrilling adventure in the South Seas, and I'm tan, toned, and taut.

It was exciting, really, as I took in the sights, smells, and sounds of these tiny little islands on the edge of civilization. You witness these remote places, and you realize how far we've come, or not.

Of course I was a big hit with the local natives. They could only marvel at the way I applied my slightly natural looking make up, the way I wore exotic colors to match my moods, and the fake DKNY pocketbooks I sported. You would think, by their childlike giggles, that the invention of nail polish was as important as penicillin!

Tattoos are very big, at least among the men. Major body parts are covered in detailed designs, none of which I could understand. However, I made a point of lowering my fuscia cargo pants to show them my body art. A lovely red heart on my left buttock, with the inscription, " YOU ARE HERE".

Speaking of minor body parts, my boss, Kenny, is still showing up at the drawing table, when he's not eating or sleeping. His most recent doodles include, RICHARD ARMSTRONG, the new head of the Guggenheim Museum, PRESIDENT OBAMA, BLAKE EDWARDS, and the late playwright, HORTON FOOTE.

Your favorite pu-pu platter, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE in a sarong...is so RIGHT...

My peoples !

Being that I am a very spiritual person, I decided to join a group of like minded individuals. So, last Easter, I wandered into The Church of the Later Day Sales. Not only did they welcome me with open arms, but everyone admired my designer suit,gloves, shoes, and hat, made with genuine artificial flowers.

Spring ahead, and I've been asked to do missionary work amongst the filthy natives of such out-of-the-way South Sea islands, such as Tee Tee Boom Boom, Thong, Sunburn, Turtle Tongue, and Hackensack.

Since I already have a full time career, ( cough! cough!), I could only give of myself for three weeks. So, early this Sunday morning, I will board Bali Hai Airlines, Flight URXLax, and jet my way to Bora Bora.

Upon arrival, I will be greeted by his Holiness, King Tut Tut Tisk Tisk, and his band of merry guards. After a light breakfast, and quick visit to the powder room, I will board a small fishing vessel, and sail to the first forbidding island.

My mission is to try and reach out to the dirty locals, and hope to inspire them with my example. I want to teach them about make-up, proper hair care, and how to use a debit card, and that's just the men folk.

Please don't worry about me. Alas, I don't speak any of their funny languages, but I know how to communicate with my hands and eyebrows.

MEANWHILE, my boss, Kenny, did drawings of JOHN UPDIKE and KEITH JARRETT for WSJ this week. In other news, The Eudora Welty House, a museum at The University of Mississippi, Jackson, has included a drawing of Miss Welty by Kenny as part of their permanent exhibit.

Your favorite missionary on a mission, I remain,
Trixie

TRIXIE goes to Washington...

My fellow citizens of the World,

I have decided to schlep down to Washington,D.C. this weekend, wave goodbye to my hero,G.W. Bush, and wave hello to our next leader-of-the-pack, Barack H. Obama. ( his middle name gives me heartburn, and besides, I can't spell it).

I love crowds. I love mob scenes. I love white sales, (oops...), and this weekend in Washington promises to deliver on all of the things I love.

However, EVERYTHING is booked. The only transportation available is a bus, making all local stops, and ending in Baltimore at some ungodly hour. I booked it, as I figure I can hitch a ride with some of the local illegal aliens.

The only housing I could manage was in the Non-Gay dorm at the Georgetown YMCA. It's a bit dreary, according to their website, but I'll only be there to snooze, so, I booked it.

Now, if I can locate some film for my Poloroid Instant camera, I'll be all set.

Do I live an exciting life, or what?

Speaking of dreary, my boss, Kenny, (who plans to watch the inauguration on his little black & white...oops, again!), did an ad for CNBC, plus a color drawing of the composer for the film,"SlumDog Millionaire", AR RAHMAN, some dude named FRANK MEYER, and patroness of the art & music world, BETTY FREEMAN.

I must go now and wash out my patriotic sweatsuit.

Your favorite political junkie, I remain,

Trixie