Monday, September 21, 2009 me...

Dearest UNinsured,

Yes, it's true, I have been approached by several disreputable publishers, and a BOOK is in the works. So, here is a sample of my "creative writing"...just keep it to yourself, as I'd like to sell a few know...

You can trust TRIXIE when she says…

Never invite more than one left handed person to a sit down dinner, or just invite left handed people, as you don’t want to risk injuring your guests.

Remove all artificial fruit and fake candy from any room used during a party or meal.

Do not charge your guests for checking their coats, although any loose change found in pockets is yours to bank.

When guests seem determined to stay beyond a reasonable hour, bring in your old flatulent dog or elderly relative and encourage a game of charades.

When you find yourself perplexed by the multiple choices of eating utensils at a chic dining event, simply lower your eyes and glance from side to side, or stare straight ahead. Chances are in your favor that some fool at the table will know what they’re doing.

If you discover that there might not be enough food to feed your guests, go up to a selected few and whisper, “Is it me, or have you put on a few?”

If a fistfight breaks out after your guests have adjourned to the living room, encourage everyone to gather round, sing old school songs, and take bets.

If a guest at your table falls face forward into their soup, act calm and pretend that nothing is wrong, unless this behavior continues with the mashed potatoes and the chocolate mousse`.

Never grab hold of a serving dish and announce, “Is anyone going to eat this last piece of stuffed cabbage?” Just scrape it onto your plate and enjoy.

Table conversation should always be light and lively, as well as the background music. Discourage any talk of politics, religion, or medical procedures. Gossip, candlelight, and cool jazz are winning combinations.

If a guest arrives with uninvited children, serve them in the basement, or, weather permitting, in the garage.

When discovering that a guest has left most of the food on their plate, do not offer them a doggie bag or say, “So, you didn’t care for my cookin’, eh?”
while I was writing, my boss, Kenny, was drooling over the desk making doodles of ERROLL GARNER & IRVING KRISTOL for the WSJ, and a drawing of Patricia Arquette, Ugly Betty, the handsome actor from "Southland", BEN MC KENZIE, and ELIZA DUSHKA from "Dollhouse".

Your favorite stuffed cabbage, I remain,

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