Wednesday, August 5, 2009

TRIXIE...wants it bad...


It’s been said that your life can drastically change in seconds, and it’s true. Last week I was invited by a neighbor to attend a meeting for Voluptuanna Beauty Products, and before my fanny hit the couch, I became a new person.

A bleached blonde, wearing far too much eyeliner, and a peach colored pants suit, got up and began chatting away in a thick middle European accent about how much money we could make selling overpriced makeup to bored housewives.

Her name was Mitzi Maddoffski, and she smelled of money, and a very fruity perfume that made me sneeze. Her manner was a combination of Zsa Zsa Gabor and Dick Cheney.

She did a powerpoint presentation with intriguing images of her many luxurious homes, cars, as well as photos of herself with the rich and famous.

There were no photos of Mister Maddoffski. I just assumed he and the kids were out on the yacht the day the pictures were taken.

Anyway, I wanted what she had, and I wanted it bad, so, I signed up.

Now, I know that some, if not most of you could use a little paint and grease to help you look and feel your best, so, I am enclosing a short list of some of the products I am selling. Just check the items you want, send me your CC #, and I will get them to you ASAP, ( shipping NOT included…are you serious?)

Voluptuanna Beauty Soap On A Rope…in apple, lemon, and new car scent.
a great gift idea for a special loved one serving time.

Neptune’s Nectar Nipple Balm…a delicate cream, made from clam shell dust, fish scales, and whale saliva to help prevent the chaffing and pain from over starched blouses and rowdy infants.

Perma Brow…comes with a stencil and easy to hold brush to assure an expressive eyebrow that will never fade, even if you do.

Lesbo Lip Glow…a new idea in unisex beauty, when applied to the lips of women, men, or in between, promises that moist and natural look to the mouth as Mother Nature intended, if only she had any imagination.

Get A Grip…deodorant , anti-perspirant, & oven cleaner. A product designed for the active, forgetful, and careless woman of today. You never need to worry about people turning up their noses in your direction. Get A Grip lasts and lasts….and lasts….

Winky Dinky…a new aerodynamic artificial eyelash for the modern woman, designed to lift the eyelid, as well as the face, when everything else about you is dragging the floor. Now, when you wink, people all around will feel a soft breeze.

So, while you’re filling out your order forms, take a moment to glance at my boss, Kenny’s current doodle of MENDELSSOHN, MEYERBEER, & WAGNER in today’s WSJ.

Your favorite beauty spot, I remain,


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