TRIXIE was there...

In case you didn't see today's papers...

Trixie's Ate-E-Kit

Socialites !

September is flying by,WHOOSH!, and here we are in the middle of another busy social scene.

Many of you seem lost, confused, and befuddled with the rules of polite society.
I understand your pain, as I was once an awkward swan, but years of experience have helped me to cultivate the manners and style of a society broad…I mean lady.

Condi Rice called me last week and begged for a few of my simple points for dining out with the very chic. She was especially anxious about the proper way to eat a whopper.
(For those of you who live in remote areas, a WHOPPER is a very large hamburger, usually topped with stuff you might find at a cheap salad bar.)

You will note in the slightly altered photo that I am gripping the whopper with a firm grip, however extending the pinkie finger in the air. An extended pinkie finger signifies good breeding. You can also wiggle the pinkie to acknowledge a friend or signal a waiter.

Open your mouth as wide as possible and take a quick and decisive bite.

You are bound to spill some content, so be prepared to smile, even though your mouth is covered with condiments. Cheerfulness and fun is the trademark of people with so much money, they don’t give a damn!

However, if you fear you cannot eat the whopper without squirting the entire party with ketchup, lettuce, and bacon drippings, might I suggest you ask your hostess for a cloth napkin.

Wrap the whopper in the napkin, leaving a small section exposed. You can now take a small nibble without fear of dropping bloody goo on the other guest, or your evening gown.

Nuff said?

MEANWHILE, speaking of goo, Kenny did a pen & ink doodle of UNCLE SAM, which ran in Monday’s WSJ.

Your favorite burger queen, I remain,

TRIXIE

MONDO TRIXIEANO

Ciao ! Chow ! Piezones !

It's me, your devoted pizza waitress.

Oh, I can't help myself. I'm on a diet, and all I can think about is food, especially PIZZA !

Well, to help take my mind off of tomato sauce, hot gooey cheese, and pepperone, I decided to visit my BLOG and see what's a goin' on in da world.

Hundreds of people have been blogging me, ( is it me, or does that sound dirty?), and I think I'm making an impact. Anyway, I hope you are telling all of your connected pals to check me out.

MEANWHILE, I have decided to reinstate my popular mailbag. It seems that there are so many desperate souls out there with so many desperate questions, I just had to do something and make myself available once again.

If you are, in fact, a bit desperate, please write me c/o Kenny at kenfallin@verizon.net

and I will do my best to answer.

Ohhhhhh, THAT WAS FAST ! Here is a letter already...

Dear Trixie,

The other day I was walking through the park, when I spotted two squirrels making love. It was a precious moment of nature's wonder, but it filled me with sorrow, as I am all alone. I wanted to feel happiness, but all I could feel was bitterness and resentment.

Do you think I will ever find true love?

Signed: Bitter in Bayonne

Dear Bitter,

I doubt it. What kind of loser goes around leering at horny wildlife? Geez !

Also, I hope those filthy rodents don't expect to have the State of New Jersey recognize their

marriage.

****** O.K., one down and millions to go.

MEANWHILE, speaking of rodents, my boss, Kenny did a drawing of TOM LORD and RORY STEWART, which ran in last week's WSJ. If you think he has any idea who these dudes are, you'd be wrong.

ALSO...Kenny did a lovely painting of me, with my current hair-do and color. Pass this along to any well-to-do single ( STRAIGHT) men you might know.

Your favorite roasted garlic, I remain,

TRIXIE

Is TRIXIE Kosher?

Lovies!

Often I have been asked if I was a Jewish Princess. Well, , during my turgent youth, I became a "Jewish Princess-in-waiting", as I was dating a brilliant young orthopedic litigator named Schmecky Bismark.

It was about this time of year, between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur ,that Schmecky decided I should meet his family.

Oh, they couldn't have been nicer, and I immediately felt right at home. I was especially impressed that they spoke to me in foreign tongues, assuming that I would understand.

" What a big toches," the grandmother hollered as she gave me the once over, and,"What kind of meshugeneh name is Trixie?"

However, the biggest compliment came when Schmecky announced that we were planning to get married.

"Oy!, such tsores mine eizel grandson, Schmecky! You want to marry this peroxided shikseh?"

And then she collasped on the floor.

We never married. I don't think the Bismarks thought I was religious enough. Not true, I am a person of faith.

I recently began attending a new church located in a vacant pancake house on Route seventeen. It's called The International House of Prayer, ( IHOP). It all began a few years ago when a tollbooth worker from Hackensack claimed she saw the face of Sally Struthers on top of her French toast.

It's a very nice congregation. I love the singing, and the fact that I always leave smelling like artificial maple syrup.

And speaking of French toast, my boss, Kenny, did another doodle of the late Luciano Pavarotti, which ran over the weekend in WSJ.

Your favorite maple shikseh, I remain,

TRIXIE

Trixie wants fame, fortune, and new footware...

Tootsies !

So many of you have responded to my new BLOG, and I'm thrilled, if not overwhelmed.

This morning I burnt a roast, banged my good knee, and overfed the parrot. But it's all worth it I feel. Ah, just to walk down the street and have total strangers stare and whisper comments to each other about me, ( words of praise no doubt).. Yes, I'm willing to give up my privacy and annoying anonymity.

All I humbly ask is that if you want the same things for me, you will tell at least three friends about my blog, and then they will tell three friends, and on and on till I become the most famous ex-showgirl-wife-mother-humanitarian-secretary since Laticia Von Trump.

And speaking of annoying, my employer, Kenny, did a color doodle of the late, Luciano Pavarotti, which is running in the European edition of WSJ today. So, if you happen to be in Europe...

Your favorite parrot feeder/personal assistant, I remain,

TRIXIE

TRIXIE...exposed and exposing...

Voterettes !

I am so over the Presidential race, and it's more than one year away till the election. How are we gonna stay awake?

Well, during the last election I got one of those silly survey calls, and the caller asked me if I chose my candidate based on whether or not I'd like to sit down and have a beer with the guy. WHAT A STUPID QUESTION !

No, I cast my vote based on which candidate I'd like to see naked. Oh, it's a foolproof method. Just imagine anyone of the current crop, and tell yourself which one you'd like to see exposed.

Of course we all know which ones we'd prefer to see in nothing less than a mummy case.

Nudity is the great equilizer, and I'm all for it. There was even a time when I tried cleaning my house in the nude. Unfortunately, the dogs were laughing so loud, I couldn't hear the phone ringing.

Speaking of dogs, my master, Kenny, did a doodle of famed movie director, PETER JACKSON, which ran in today's WSJ.

Your favorite sweet and low, I remain,

TRIXIE

Trixie does the BLOG...

Darlings !

I have decided to open my heart AND my little life to the world.

Kenny has agreed to let me indulge my passion for sharing, as long as I include his doodles in my posts.

Now, while it's true that I want to hear from my public, don't get too carried away in your comments. A girl has a life away from the computer too, don't cha know?

Your favorite bloggin' beauty, I remain,

Trixie