Saturday, October 13, 2007

TRIXIE...a good neighbor...

Pumpkins !

This is, without a reasonable doubt, my favorite time of year. Ahhhh, AUTUMN ! The crisp cool smell of cinnamon and squished apples fills the air, and dusk hurls it's hazy glow a little earlier than the day before...blah!blah!blah!

One autumn day, my neighbor said, "You can always tell that summer is over when the UPS driver stops wearing those sexy little shorts."

And that reminds me of a sad and strange story that happened here in my trailer park a few years ago.

There was this very pretty, but very shy young lady that moved into the park in late 1994. Her name was Virginia Vidas, but most people called her "Ginger". She was so painfully shy that she had to work from home. I think she stuffed envelopes. I'm not sure.

However, she never left her trailer. All of the stuff she needed had to be delivered to her door, and she was forced to eat a helluva lot of Chinese take-out.

Feeling sorry for her, as well as nosy, I made it my business to drop by and pay a visit. She never let me inside her trailer, which I decided must be the sign of a really lousy housekeeper. We would always chat through her screen door, and although it was rusty, I could see that Ginger was an attractive gal, plain, but attractive.

All kind of lurid thoughts crossed my mind as to why this single girl was not married.

One day I began to notice that the UPS truck was always making deliveries to Ginger's trailer. My curiosity got the best of me and I came right out and asked,” Honey, what's with all the daily deliveries?"

Ginger began to whimper and sob," I'm in a terrible mess, Trixie," she cried." It all began when I ordered a chenille toilet seat cover on The Home Shopping channel."

"Oh, how dreadful. Somebody once gave me one of those, and I couldn't believe their bad taste. But won't they take it back and give you a refund," I asked?

"No, that isn’t the problem," she mumbled. "When the UPS driver delivered it a few days later, I took one look at his face, shoulders, lips, brow, nose, hands, and legs, and fell desperately in love."

"Ginger Vidas, honey, you need to get out more!"

"No, I'm too painfully shy to ever leave my trailer. Now, all I do is sit and watch the Home Shopping Channel, and order all kinds of useless junk. It's the only way I can be certain the UPS driver will come around everyday. I love him so much, but I'm too painfully shy to ever tell him."

I was speechless, a rare occurrence that caused me to leave poor Ginger to her destiny, and shop for new bras.

Well, matters only got worse. Ginger ordered more and more stuff, including rich and fancy desserts, which caused her to gain a lot of weight. Too bad she never ordered any of those crappy exercise machines.

The UPS driver while cute, was a bit dense, and didn't have a clue that Ginger was hot for more than his boxes. Of course all he ever saw of Ginger was her signature. She never ventured further than opening the rusty screen door wide enough to accept the daily package of useless things.

One day, tragedy struck. The cute UPS driver was transferred to a different route. His replacement was an overweight loser, with a bad hairpiece and a lisp.

She never even knew the cute UPS driver's name, so she couldn't call the headquarters and make an inquiry. She was too painfully shy to go there in person, so, she knew it was over.

Ginger was heartbroken, as well as broke.

She fell behind in her mortgage payments, her credit was ruined, and her cable TV was shut off. Her trailer was dark and quiet. No lights and no sound of the radio, television, or the electric bug zapper.

One day, I looked out the window, and Ginger's trailer was gone. No sign or indication, except a large puddle of duck sauce. Everyone stood around scratching their heads, which is not all that unusual a sight in this town. Nobody knew who, what, why, or how Ginger's trailer disappeared. It just did.

All I can say is I'm glad I never loaned her any of my costume jewelry.

Speaking of scratching, my boss, Kenny, who sometimes causes me to break out in a rash, did doodles this past week in the WSJ of: JUSTICE CLARENCE THOMAS, playwright TOM STOPPARD, and former Whitehouse communications director, DAN BARTLETT.

Your favorite moo-goo-gai-pan, I remain,


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