TRIXIE...looks back...

Darlings, friends, family, and the deadbeats who still owe me money,

I'd like to take this time to look back on 2008, and share with you some tidbits from my semi-glorious year.

Although I suffered big time in the recent crash of the market, I am determined to grit my newly capped molars, and smile my way through this gloomy and doomy time. I am a person of strong character, who has suffered her share of disaster, and yet can still crawl out of bed every new day and face diversity.

Actually, part of my strength comes from my newly diversified face. Yes, I shall come out of the closet and admit it..." I've had work done". You couldn't tell, could you?

Last year this time, I took a look at my pitiful Christmas bonus and decided to hit the pavement in search of a new career. Well, it's not easy for a lady of a certain age to get herself hired. I'm talented, have amazing people skills, and look good under fluorescent lights. However, in this youth obsessed culture we live in, all they want is baby fat!

Finally, I got hired as a receptionist at a chic little designer hotel for dogs and cats, The Fire-hydrant Plaza Hotel & Grooming Salon, Madison Avenue and Sixty Third. My co-workers were nice enough, but the customers were nothing but studs and bitches. Have you ever tried to reason with a French Poodle wearing Chanel # 5 and a diamond encrusted choke collar? ( the poodle, not me)

Anyway, I tucked my tail between my legs, and went back to my old job. Sadly, I don't think my boss even knew I'd been away.

However, we did have a pleasant enough office Christmas party yesterday. I had way too much eggnog and made goo-goo eyes at the UPS driver. She didn't seem to mind.

I guess it's time to turn the lights out and head home to my little fake tree, and worthless but reliable husband, Tumble Willis, Jr., and celebrate the Holiday as only we know how.

MEANWHILE, my boss, Kenny-the-Scrooge, did this doodle of film composer, ALEXANDRE DESPLAT for today's WSJ.

Your favorite fruitcake wishing you a HAPPY HOLIDAY, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE falls off the fence...

Dolls !

Is it me, or is the world going to hell in a handbasket?

I mean ,really, there is actually a question on whether gays and lesbians should have the right to get married? What kind of question is that? Don't be stupid, my darlings, letting the gays get married will only mess it up for all the rest of us.
If this were allowed,can you imagine trying to book a caterer or reserve a church during the month of June?

I don't know about you, but I'm already overwhelmed with giving gifts to all of my useless relatives. I can't afford to buy wedding presents for all of my gay friends, ( and you know how picky and snooty those homos can be? It's gotta be designer this and designer that!)

If you ask me, it's all a Communist plot. All of the really gorgeous men are gay, and if we let them marry each other, well, who will be left for our daughters?

And don't get me started on letting gays in the military. As the good book says,
"Lead them NOT into temptation".

Speaking of the good book, my boss, Kenny, ( who wouldn't know a good book if it fell off the shelf), did two doodles in the WSJ last week. One is of the jazz musician, DON BYRON, and then one of NANCY PELOSI.

Your favorite positive influence, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE...aglow...

Dearest Dear Ones,

Halloweenie is over, the Election is done, and as I search through my makeup case for the turkey baster, I gaze out the window and see my neighbor, Toots Rodriguez, putting up her outrageous Christmas decorations.

We have a strict set of regulations for exterior ornamentation of one’s private abode here at the Black Lagoon Trailer Park and Miniature Golf Course, and Toots has broken all of them.

I am, naturally, a woman of taste and refinement. You would never see me setting up a manger next to a Pamela Anderson blow up doll, dressed as “Mrs. Santa”, or substituting the three wise men with figurines of Larry, Moe, and Curly.

Of course I shouldn’t complain about all of the tacky light fixtures she places around her holiday display. The glow is so strong that I never need to turn on a light till after ground hog day.

Speaking of glowing, my simple minded boss, Kenny, did a doodle of Obama and McCain for last weeks WSJ.

Your favorite piece of tinsel, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE endorses...

MY FELLOW AMERICANS !

Who are these "undecided" voters? I am never undecided about anything, and have very little patience with those who are. In fact, I've already decided what I will order for dinner next Thursday...meatloaf.

Be that as it may, I have decided to announce my endorsement for President, just in case any of you are of the hopelessly pathetic "undecided".

I,Trixie LaFarge, age 39, lot B-12, The Black Lagoon Trailer Park & Miniature Golf Course, Pig's Foot, New Jersey, hereby endorse JOHN PATRICK MCCAINE for President of the United States.

What can I say? He reminds me of my Dad. He is old, hateful, and will leave your mama for a younger thing at the drop of a hat. Sure, that's rough, but it builds character. McCaine will watch out for America the way he watched out for his first wife. If America has an accident and get's a bit overweight, He will dump us and hitch up to a younger, prettier, and richer nation.
We would all benefit.

Obama is way too smart for me. How can I relate to him? He's too impressive, and that scares me. Bush never impressed me. I felt very comfortable with George W. I like a President I can relate to. ( and vice versa!)

If mcCaine croaks, and Sarah Lee Palin takes the throne, well, once again I'll feel safe and comfy.

Now, let's not let politics cause a rift in our relationship. I'll still love you, even if you're a socialist/commie/liberal, it just won't be easy.

Meanwhile, my pinko/stinko boss, Kenny, did a drawing of actress, ELISABETH MOSS, for the WSJ.

Remember, vote early and often !

Trixie

TRIXIE...smokin' !!!

Dear Ones,

This is my favorite time of the year, except when I start to sniff the scent of burning leaves, which reminds me of how much I miss smoking.

Yeah, I quit my three pack a day habit, because I ran out of places I could actually light up without being harassed, booed, tormented, or mugged.

Smoking was fun, it was cool, and it gave me something to do with my expressive hands.
It felt so chic and sexy to place a filter-tip between my lips and have some suave gentleman or ruddy faced sailor whip out a lighter and share his flame.

I began smoking in the third grade, which explains where I spent all my lunch money. I smoked during all seven of my pregnancies. I even smoked during the deliveries, and all of my kids turned out o.k. I think.

Our little trailer was always filled with laughter, music, and smoke. Tumble Willis, Jr., my husband, never knew the color of the livingroom walls. He assumed they were smoky dingy, if such a color exist.

Of course my love of the ciggy is nothin' compared to my best gal pal, FiFi Krampschlitz.
FiFi loved smoking so much that she named all of her kids after her favorite brands. Yeah, there was WINSTON, KOOLS, MARLBORO, CHESTERFIELD, and her little girl, VIRGINIA SLIM.

I've been told that FiFi plans to come to my annual Halloween Tupperwear Party this year as a car muffler. Anything for a smoke.

Speaking of fumes, my less than scentillating boss, Kenny, did a doodle of BARACK OBAMA, for the WSJ. I know for a fact that Obama is a closet smoker.

Your favorite ash kisser, I remain,

TRIXIE

TRIXIE...hear me roar !

My Public,

Some of you probably heard that I made my New York cabaret debut this past Friday night, it went off without a hitch, and nobody was hurt or arrested.

Last year, in an attempt to break into Show Business, I was all set to make my debut, when the New York Board of Health shut down the club one hour before I was set to perform. I was devastated, but was encouraged by the fact that I was one of the few entertainers to ever be shut down for health code violations instead of bad press.

Anyway, I did two well received songs, some personal patter, and not one piece of fruit was tossed in my direction.

Several people who witnessed my debut have already begun inquires as to my next appearance. Am I a hit? I dunno, but I want to thank all of the people who trekked over to see me, and with the help of a few stiff drinks, sat up facing the stage and paid attention to my efforts.

MEANWHILE, my sober boss, Kenny, ( who claimed to be way out of town last Friday night), did two drawings in the WSJ. PAUL NEWMAN, the late and great actor, and MARY MC FADDEN, the eccentric fashion designer.

Your favorite curtain call girl, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE for VP

Mooseaters!

The news media has got my goat. Those brie eatin', chablis drinkin' snobs can't seem to grasp the appeal of a frontier woman like my new hero, SARAH PALIN.

I am so impressed with her, and not suprisingly, we have so many things in common.

She is married to a slacker named Todd, and I'm hitched to a bum named Tumble.

She gave her children unusual names like, "Track", "Stump", "Bristol", and "Easy", and I named my kids after my favorite movies, "Casablanca", "Ben Hur", and "Shaft".

She was a beauty queen. I, of course was "Miss Pig's Foot", " Miss Self Cleaning Oven", and
"Miss Jiffy Lube".

She attended six colleges before she graduated. I dated guys from about sixty colleges and trade schools, but I'm not sure if any of them actually graduated.

She is an avid hunter, and can dress a moose in the wild. Well, I'm a bit gun shy, but I was once in love with a boy named "Moose", and was once forced to quickly get dressed in the wild.

She began her political career in the P.T.A., which led to the job of mayor of her tiny town.
I caused a commotion during a P.T.A. meeting when I suggested a wet T-shirt contest to help raise funds for education. I also ran for constable of my gated community, The Black Lagoon Trailer Park. My motto: " Nobody wants this job, so, give TRIXIE a try". However, even though I ran unopposed, I lost.

She is dealing with a knocked-up teenage daughter.
Well, I've been down that road so many times I'd call it a thruway.

Yes, the small town and small minded women of this country have finally found someone we can look up to and respect. Just you wait!!!

And while you're waiting, take a look at Kenny's latest effort. This is his cut paper version of the head of The Port Authority of New York/New Jersey, CHRIS WARD.

Your favorite political junkie, I remain,

TRIXIE