TRIXIE for VP

Mooseaters!

The news media has got my goat. Those brie eatin', chablis drinkin' snobs can't seem to grasp the appeal of a frontier woman like my new hero, SARAH PALIN.

I am so impressed with her, and not suprisingly, we have so many things in common.

She is married to a slacker named Todd, and I'm hitched to a bum named Tumble.

She gave her children unusual names like, "Track", "Stump", "Bristol", and "Easy", and I named my kids after my favorite movies, "Casablanca", "Ben Hur", and "Shaft".

She was a beauty queen. I, of course was "Miss Pig's Foot", " Miss Self Cleaning Oven", and
"Miss Jiffy Lube".

She attended six colleges before she graduated. I dated guys from about sixty colleges and trade schools, but I'm not sure if any of them actually graduated.

She is an avid hunter, and can dress a moose in the wild. Well, I'm a bit gun shy, but I was once in love with a boy named "Moose", and was once forced to quickly get dressed in the wild.

She began her political career in the P.T.A., which led to the job of mayor of her tiny town.
I caused a commotion during a P.T.A. meeting when I suggested a wet T-shirt contest to help raise funds for education. I also ran for constable of my gated community, The Black Lagoon Trailer Park. My motto: " Nobody wants this job, so, give TRIXIE a try". However, even though I ran unopposed, I lost.

She is dealing with a knocked-up teenage daughter.
Well, I've been down that road so many times I'd call it a thruway.

Yes, the small town and small minded women of this country have finally found someone we can look up to and respect. Just you wait!!!

And while you're waiting, take a look at Kenny's latest effort. This is his cut paper version of the head of The Port Authority of New York/New Jersey, CHRIS WARD.

Your favorite political junkie, I remain,

TRIXIE

TRIXIE goes for the gold.

Friends ,

I am so exhausted from the Olympics . Yes, I am an athletic supporter, but the remote broke on our TV, which meant I had to get up and down to adjust the volume for my old worn out husband,
Tumble Willis, Jr.

Since we don't actually have our cable box hooked up legally, the reception can be iffy at times.

Poor Tumble, his vision is so off, anytime he saw someone dive in the pool he thought it was his first cousin, Droofus. Come to think of it, Droofus and Michael Phelps do resemble.

I wonder if the Olympics Committee would ever consider my home town, Pigs Foot, New Jersey, for their next big event? They could use the Pigs Foot High football field, plenty of free parking at the Piggly Wiggly grocery, and I bet the No-Tell Motel would be willing to put clean water in their pool.

Oh, boy, if that were to happen, property values would go up, and we could move outa this dump!

Kenny, my gold medal employer, did a drawing of the late ISAAC HAYES and SENATOR JOE BIDEN, which ran recently in WSJ.

Till we meet again, I remain,

Trixie

Trixie: MAY I BE BLUNT?

Oh, hello !

I've been so busy trying to find Summer jobs for my hateful grand kids, that I hadn't noticed the mail piling up. Seems that several of you have been writing for my worldly advice, and I do apologize for the delay.

Meanwhile, I found jobs for those lazy bums, and you'd think they'd be grateful, and you would be wrong.

Dear Trixie,

How do you get rid of those awful dark bags under the eyes?

Thanks,

Rhonda Raccoon
Dinah Shores, Michigan

Dearest Rhonda,

A lot of people place thinly sliced cold cucumber slices on top of and around the eye area. This is good, but I take it further and dump an entire Cobb Salad on my face. It removes those ugly bags, prevents snoring, and you never wake up hungry.

Dear Trixie,

Is it ever wise to lie to children?

Nat Leopold
Swampview,South Carolina

Dear Nat,

I've never stopped lying to my kids, with, I might add, mixed results.
My daughter, Casablanca, still believes in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and that babies are delivered by the Stork. She has five kids of her own, so, perhaps it's time to tell her the truth.

Dear Trixie,

Where can I go to find true love? I am a forty seven year old female, with skinny legs, no hips, dry skin, questionable gums, frizzy hair, tone deafness, and a fondness for Madrigal hymns.

Loretta Nutsoyung
Stoney End, New Mexico

Dear Loretta,

There was postage due on your letter, so, you failed to mention that you are also a deadbeat.

If I were you, ( and THANK THE STARS I'M NOT!), I would apply to the Peace Corps, a tanker ship, or a job at a Federal Prison.

****** MEANWHILE, my boss, Kenny, did two new drawings...Alexander Solzhenitsyn for today's WSJ, and MARIO LOPEZ for....Mario Lopez.

Your favorite girl-of-the-month, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE has a TWIN...

Darlings !

Can you believe this HEAT ? I've resorted to filling the tub with ice cubes and zest of orange peel and soaking for hours. Not only is it amazingly refreshing, but afterwards I smell just like a creamsicle.

MEANWHILE,they say that everyone has a twin somewhere in the world. Well, I've seen my twin, and her name is CINDI MC CAIN. Yes, the same Cindi McCain that you know as the younger wife of Senator McCain.

I look just like her. Well, that is I would look like her if I had six hundred million dollars and owned a big beer distributing company. Take away the immaculately coiffed and dyed hair, the perfect makeup, the designer wardrobe, and that look in her eyes that says, " I'll be so damn happy when this election is over so I can go back to shopping", and you've got me.

She married an older man with dreams, I married a slightly older man with nightmares.
Her husband was a prisoner in Viet Nam during the war. My husband was in and out of several prisons during the war, but he never left New Jersey.

Beer and booze have played an important part of Cindi's life. Same here.

She once rang up a seven hundred thousand dollar credit card bill for one month. Well, I'm capable of such a thing, but all of my cards are currently maxed out.

She says little, and always has a pleasant, yet slightly glazed look in her eyes. Yep, me too.
WE ARE TWINS !!

And speaking of GLAZED, my boss, Kenny, did drawings of the late baseball player/sports announcer, BOBBY MURCER, and actor ROBERT MORSE, featured on television in "Mad Men", and the inventor of the Morse Code.

Your favorite snowcone, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE...where have I been???

Darlings,

I hope you didn't miss me much. I had to take a vacation and get away from Kenny and all of his madness.

This year I called my friends at The Twilight Zone Travel and Bail Bond Agency and booked a tour of America's Favorite Federal Penitentiaries. We traveled via "deluxe" motor coach, which turned out to be a refitted yellow school bus, complete with individual folding lawn chairs, personal flashlights, and a camouflage patterned curtain to enclose your private area.

There was no "powder room" to speak of, but the driver was usually willing to pull over to the side of the road. Sometimes we even stopped at twenty four hour truck stops.

My fellow travelers consisted of prisoner’s wives, girlfriends, mothers, and boyfriends. Their enthusiasm and gaiety helped to make the time fly by.( although I could’ve lived without the constant sound of babies crying)

This trip made me feel grateful for my children and assorted husbands, lovers, and one night stands. Yeah, I thought I had it bad till I heard some of their tales of woe.

The highlight was a chance for me to purchase refrigerator magnets from every prison we visited. I am now the proud owner of a miniature electric chair, noose, leg irons, and bar of soap.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Kenny did a drawing of the late, great, TIM RUSSERT, which ran in the WSJ.

Your favorite prison matron, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE is HOT !!!!

Yikes !

It's hot, darlings.

Your Trixie is straddlin' the old rusty air conditioner, waving a Japanese fan in one hand, and flopping her tongue inside a tall glass of ice tea.

Kenny suggested a wet T-shirt contest to keep us cool, but I don't want to frighten the UPS driver.

Last night a violent thunderstorm hit the trailer park. The winds were so strong that when I awoke to let the dog out, the front door was facing the highway, instead of the parking lot. Fortunately, none of my dishes or knick-knacks was broken.

When I looked down at my feet, there sat the soggy remains of "The Pig's Foot Gazette", our local rag. My good eye spotted a headline that sent a cold shiver up my spine, “Local Girl Pens New Bestseller” and the "local girl" wasn't me.

Portencia “Pinky” Moscowitz, former cheerleader, graduate of Jimmy Hoffa High School, and The Garden State School of Beauty, has written her shocking new semi-autobiographical book, “DOWNWIND FROM HELL”, to be published by Leopold & Loeb this summer. It has been reported that Warner Bros. put in a decent bid for the motion picture rights, with plans to star Angeline Jolie as Pinky’s mouth.

WELL, if that isn’t enough to make my blood boil! However, I will do the right thing and wish that *#$%@ all the best.

Meanwhile, my not-so-cool boss, Kenny, did a drawing of former Bush press secretary, SCOTT MCCLELLAN and Tony nominated Broadway actor, MARK RYLANCE for The Wall Street Journal.

Your favorite cucumber, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE...tried and true

Angels,

The price of everything is going up and up. So,I look around and try to decide what it is I can cut out in order to save a few pennies.

My late husband, Sal Scallopini, made sure that I was well provided for, but I am still cautious and careful. Who am I to be wasteful and set a bad example for those less fortunate?

I cut back on trips to the beauty parlor, from four times a week to three and a half. I only use my cellphone when I'm away from the house. I only drive the Caddy in the city. I drink directly from the bottle to save on straws. I recycle my old hair nets to steam clams. When taking a shower, I only sing up tempo showtunes, which speeds up the process quite a bit.

Yes, when gas is four dollars a gallon, and they just raised postage by a penny, well, you must force yourself to be frugal.

And, speaking of frugal, my boss, old tight wad Kenny did a doodle of the man behind Bloomingdale's, MARVIN TRAUB,for today's WSJ.

Saving my gas, I remain,

Trixie

****PLUS, Kenny did a drawing of Taiwans new President, MaYing-jeou, and just for me, he's letting me show you his Elvis!