TRIXIE is a MOTHER

My Darlings,

I know you find it hard to fathom that I am a mother. In fact, so many people look at my rather large daughter, Casablanca, then they look at me and go, " It's just not possible!"

Nonetheless, she is my child, ( oh, the pain...), and I love her. Thankfully, she looks more like her worthless father, Tumble Willis, Jr., so I don't get all the blame.

Yes, here it is again, the day to remind me of my reckless ways, MOTHER'S DAY. Yikes !

Last year, Casa and I shared an intimate Mother's Day brunch at The International House of Pancakes. She wiped her lips with the embossed paper napkin and spoke, " I didn't get you no gift, but I made up a poom."

"Oh, darling," I smiled, " How sweet, but I think you mean a poem."

" Whatever", she snarled, as she took a grease stained piece of paper from her pocket...

M, is for your cruel MOUTH. You're always criticizing me. Yes, you are...

O, is for all of the OTHER mothers out there. They might be nicer than you, and prettier than you, but they ain't you...

T, Nobody has a TEMPER like yours. I remember the time you screamed at me for wanting to go steady with Dudley Stillwater. You called him a wimp and a sissy. Well, Dudley loved me, and I loved him. He was the only boy I ever dated who showed interest in me, and not just my body. In fact, he never showed any interest in my body.Today, he lives in his own townhouse, which he shares with his pal, Kyle. And to think, all of that could've been mine...

H, is for HAPPINESS, a feeling I felt whenever you were asleep or unconscious...

E, is for the ENVY I felt seeing how the rest of the world was living outside of our trailer park.

R, is for the REGRET I will always have for not running away and joining the circus, but what did I know about elephants?

Put them all together, and it spells, MOTHER, or, a reasonable facsimile.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY from your hateful daughter,

Casablanca

***** MEANWHILE, my boss, Kenny, did a drawing of author, SIMON WINCHESTER, and a smiling, BARACK OBAMA, which ran in this past weeks WSJ.

Love Ya,

Trixie

TRIXIE...where seldom is heard an encouraging word...

Sweet-peas,

I am faced with a family crisis. My daughter Casablanca's twin girls, Chandelier and Candelabra, are determined to audition for "American Idle".

Yes, I am their granny, and you'd think they'd have some of my gifts, but those two don't have enough talent to fill a flea's navel.

How do you tell your own flesh and blood that they suck? I'm not a mean person, but I don't want those two tone deaf, knocked kneed, pock marked, pigeon toed lovelies to suffer the humiliation of layin' an egg in front of billions of people.

It's just not like it was when I started out in Show Biz. In those days, if you could walk and fit into the costumes, you got the job. Today everyone is so versatile. I think it has something to do with global warming and the use of steroids.

Meanwhile, speaking of pigeon toes, my taskmaster, Kenny-the-hateful, did a doodle of the curator at the Whitney Museum, DONNA DE SALVO, and the late CHARLTON HESTON, ( who once placed his hand on my chest and whispered, " You'll have to remove this from my cold dead hands." And I replied..." works for me, Moses!")

Your favorite granny with the great gams, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE Welcomes SPRING...

Angels,

Once again, I failed to win the Easter Bonnet Contest on 5th Avenue. Disaster struck when my bonnet, done up to depict Moses leading his people across the Red Sea, tipped slightly to the side, and the damn water spilled over and drenched a troupe of Girl Scouts dressed as mint chocolate thins.

I am, however, thrilled that Spring has arrived, and I can air out my trailer. I feel refreshed, I feel vibrant, I feel like having my toenails painted chartreuse.

Spring is when a young man's fancy starts to lean towards a young woman. Oh, would that my useless husband, Tumble Willis Jr. could even find his fancy.

Speaking of useless, my boss, Kenny, did a color doodle of the star of the new Broadway revival of "South Pacific", KELLI O'HARA, ( not to be confused with Scarlett O'Hara or Neely O'Hara), and legendary jazz pianist, MARIAN MCPARTLAND.

Your favorite blossom, I remain,

Trixie

Five dollar make you holler...

Concerned Citizens!

I am in amazement over ex-Govenor Spritzer's current situation.

I called my old galfriend, Voluptuanna Muldoon, ( the founder of Voluptuanna's School of Escorting & Shorthand), to inquire what a person should expect for five thousand dollars an hour.

" None of my graduates ever got that kinda bread." She said to me over her speakerphone.
" I would assume that besides the hanky panky, for that amount a "john", oh, excuse me, a
"client" would expect to have his teeth polished, a razor cut, his suit pressed, and detail work on his car."

I dunno, I am just amazed at the price of things these days. However, I suppose I should be grateful that my current husband, Tumble Willis,Jr. is completely faithful to me, even though he doesn't always remember my name.

If you asked me, I'd say that the only solution for all of this sexual scandal going in our government is to elect only homely women and eunichs.

Speaking of scandals, my boss, Kenny, did a doodle of the culprit, ELIOT SPITZER, which ran on today's editorial page of WSJ.

Your favorite faithful wife, mother, and secretary, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE wants a recount...

Dear fellow ultra conservative Republicans,

( no, I'm NOT asking for money)

I am so depressed. I volunteered, I made phone calls, I attended rallies, I gave money, and yet my candidate, Mike Huckabee, dropped out. Now, I have all of this energy, drive, and determination, and no place to put it.

McCain does nothing for me. He's old, slow, short, and his much younger second wife looks like she might have spent some time as a pole dancer, ( even though there is certainly NOTHING wrong with artistic dancing). Come to think of it, most of the Republican candidate's second wives look like former pole dancers. I'm surprised I was never married to any of them dudes.

Give me a break with the whiny Demos trying to sell us with the idea of the first woman or black President. Perhaps I should suggest that my party consider nominating Condi Rice, which would put us Republicans way ahead, with a BLACK, FEMALE, LESBIAN President! Uh, huh!!!!

MEANWHILE, my pinko boss, Kenny, did recent doodles of WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY and PETE HAMILL, for the WSJ.

Your favorite pole dancing Republican assistant, I remain,

Trixie

TRIXIE fails to win MegaBucks...again !!!!

I don't know why I even bother buying lottery tickets. The gracious gods of good fortune have already blessed me with flawless skin, radiant hair, sparkling teeth, and a body to cause sailors to weep. Why should I expect more than my share of luck?

BECAUSE I'M GREEDY AND NEEDY...that's why!

So, I see on the news a story about this middle aged couple from some dinky town in Georgia that won the entire $270 Million, ( it's always in some dinky town, never in the metropolis where I hang).

I nearly had a fit when the hillbilly wife with too few teeth exclaimed, "Well, we is blessed, and we is happy, but it ain't gonna change us none, cause we is just plain folk. I myself is just too country."

Yeah, well, she could start by buying some new teeth, and a few lessons in speaking proper English couldn't hurt.

Oh, just let me win some of that loot. I'll get on the news and tell it like it is:

" Oh, baby, I feel like two hundred and seventy million dollars, and this *%#&@ money is gonna change my life...BIG TIME! I plan to change my name, my phone number, and move as far away from my loser friends and family as I possibly can!"

Well, I can dream, can't I ?

* two new doodles from Kenny's pen: BENNY GOODMAN & KIM JONG II

Trixie...when she stood near an oven...